Fucking turtle.
Stays in it's shell where it knows it's safe.
Comes out only when it the coast seems clear.
Attempts to take a step forward, only to get stunned by the hand that feeds.
That turtle isn't gonna come out in a long time.

I dunno one of those deep thoughts only a blunt can create.
So it's been a while since I've written.
So suffice it to say, nothing has been going on.
Or, my focus has shifted toward something that I believe could be something more personal.
These "walls" they speak of. Like the Berlin wall, it's gotta come down sometime.
Chip away, and sooner or later someone will just climb over it.
What's on the other side of that wall?
No one to greet me.
So I climb back, only to return upon welcoming hands.
I'm almost over the wall and I look back to see u running.
And wonder if I should turn back, here I wait on my knees.

"My boyfriend"

Now the words above isn't a huge problem, usually when it occurs when speaking to someone that you just met, they're letting you know where the boundaries are drawn - or they're pulling it out of their ass to get you to go away. Now when those words come out of the mouth of someone that you're interested in, and that you originally had the impression that they were single... it could be pretty devastating. My main interest just dropped the bf bomb on me and it instantly hit me like a ton of bricks. It feels like I haven't made the initative and I lost out. Based on my last post, it seems like things are going faster in my life than I'm expecting. I wanted this year to be different and actually pursue a serious relationship with someone, but it seems like I've always been trying, but with no success. You know it really sucks, that's why I'm writing this, because I need to get this all out of my system.

This girl that I'm interested in, let's call her Betty. Her birthday is on Wednesday and I got her orchids last year with a card saying, "from a Secret Admirer" and this year... I was considering doing it again, but I think it'd just be a waste. She eventually found out it was me and asked me, which was probably the first time she has EVER messaged me first. I really wished that she was gonna be the one that I ended with cause I felt so strongly about her. She brought up her boyfriend nonchalantly and it's easy for her to say it out cause I guess I never let her know how I felt, which I believe plays a large part of my failure. I think my problem is that I liked her so much that I got nervous around her and was always cautious about my actions - which was just to get to know her better. I dunno I might just send her something for the hell of it; I just wouldn't know what to write in the card.

There's a million reasons why not to do something, and 1 reason to do it.

Ahh Facebook. Just like the many social connecting websites that come along, from the popular Friendster, Myspace to the lesser known Asian Avenue, everyone is trying to find some way to connect with other people. Finding friends should be pretty easy in this day & age. There are winks and smiles you can give to people anonymously. Facebook has something called poking, now i won't get into the phallic nature of the word but it's an interesting way to view someone else's profile for a short duration of time.

Someone decided to poke me a few weeks ago and although I felt slightly violated I got curious. I sent the poker and message asking if I knew them, and of course I didn't. 8 times out of 10 they usually don't, which is fine. she replied in a day and since i'm horrible with keeping up with friends I decided that I would reply to every message she would send and for about 3 weeks we kept sending messages to each other. I wouldn't reply over the weekend cause I felt like this was more of a thing to do at work. Her name was Amy and from the looks of it, she seemed like a normal person to talk to. I've been flirty here and there without saying anything too serious.

I finally decided to schedule a drink with her yesterday, unfortunately for her schedule for work, she gets out at 8. I'm done in Manhattan by 5, so I had to sit around the office for about 2 and a half hours waiting for this chick to get out. It was freezing last night and when she rang, I started to talk uptown towards Bryant Park. I started to get sentimental and somewhat nervous. It was weird, I haven't gone on a date in nearly a few weeks and it felt so foreign to me. Back when I was scheduling dates two or three times a week it was never a big deal, its just dinner, like I always say. Maybe it was that we've never met in person, it felt like high school AOL dating.

We met up and she looked pretty close to what her pictures on her Facebook depicted so it wasn't a big surprise or anything. We went to a nice burger place and had just a normal conversation. I previously wanted to reread our dialog with the messages we've been sending back & forth but didn't get to. It didn't really matter because, I remember most of our dialog, it was good that I didn't ask any questions that I already knew.

There wasn't anything special from our interaction but it was great that the conversation didn't die out. I think I'm a little too blunt with what I said to her, although I feel like I should be free to say whatever I want. What turned her off to me was the fact that I was a pretty heavy drinker, I smoked herb excessively and I quote, "I was the kind of person your mom warned you about" Only to show that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, only some fun. We pretty much just met up for us to realize that not compatible at this point in our lives. I believe we aren't compatible mainly cause she's way too good/different for me. She doesn't drink very often which is a good & bad thing and she was very clear about looking for someone to get hitched with. I agreed with her and said, yeah I don't' believe I'll have a girlfriend until I'm pretty sure I can see myself with a future with them. The rest of the night was just basic conversation.

After our dinner, we walked over to the train and took it back together, separating at Queens Plaza hugging goodbye. Overall, she was a great girl, innocent, smart, funny, not bad on the eyes. The funny thing is, she's not what I'm looking for at this point in my life. I'll try to keep in contact, but mostly to see what her friends are like.