Gone. Off the market.

Going to a wedding where I thought the person getting hitched was going to be with me for a while. Normally I wouldn't be bothered, like attending my first ex's wedding, but this time it's different. I can't say that I'm jealous of their happiness, but more cautious due to the circumstances of their relationship. At this point, it's too late and I have to accept what's unavoidable.

 

Fucking turtle.
Stays in it's shell where it knows it's safe.
Comes out only when it the coast seems clear.
Attempts to take a step forward, only to get stunned by the hand that feeds.
That turtle isn't gonna come out in a long time.

I dunno one of those deep thoughts only a blunt can create.
So it's been a while since I've written.
So suffice it to say, nothing has been going on.
Or, my focus has shifted toward something that I believe could be something more personal.
These "walls" they speak of. Like the Berlin wall, it's gotta come down sometime.
Chip away, and sooner or later someone will just climb over it.
What's on the other side of that wall?
No one to greet me.
So I climb back, only to return upon welcoming hands.
I'm almost over the wall and I look back to see u running.
And wonder if I should turn back, here I wait on my knees.

"My boyfriend"

Now the words above isn't a huge problem, usually when it occurs when speaking to someone that you just met, they're letting you know where the boundaries are drawn - or they're pulling it out of their ass to get you to go away. Now when those words come out of the mouth of someone that you're interested in, and that you originally had the impression that they were single... it could be pretty devastating. My main interest just dropped the bf bomb on me and it instantly hit me like a ton of bricks. It feels like I haven't made the initative and I lost out. Based on my last post, it seems like things are going faster in my life than I'm expecting. I wanted this year to be different and actually pursue a serious relationship with someone, but it seems like I've always been trying, but with no success. You know it really sucks, that's why I'm writing this, because I need to get this all out of my system.

This girl that I'm interested in, let's call her Betty. Her birthday is on Wednesday and I got her orchids last year with a card saying, "from a Secret Admirer" and this year... I was considering doing it again, but I think it'd just be a waste. She eventually found out it was me and asked me, which was probably the first time she has EVER messaged me first. I really wished that she was gonna be the one that I ended with cause I felt so strongly about her. She brought up her boyfriend nonchalantly and it's easy for her to say it out cause I guess I never let her know how I felt, which I believe plays a large part of my failure. I think my problem is that I liked her so much that I got nervous around her and was always cautious about my actions - which was just to get to know her better. I dunno I might just send her something for the hell of it; I just wouldn't know what to write in the card.

There's a million reasons why not to do something, and 1 reason to do it.